Why Is It So Hard?

Navigating Friendships in Your 30’s

I was always pretty good at making friends, especially as a child . In first grade you saw someone that looked nice or wore your favorite color . It always started with me putting out my hand first “hi my name is Chelsea . What’s yours ? “ and done . The friendship ensues until we both go to another grade and so the same thing happens on repeat .

Out of all the years of making friends , I find 30’s to be the most complicated . Not just with women but also men . I don’t know what it is about this age but I struggle with friendships . I struggle with keeping them and I struggle with letting them go .

Keeping friendships.

A friendship is made up of two people or more not one . And it’s made up of two or more people who love each other support each other . Someone who you experienced so many memories with and you smile back at them . You argue, you fight , and maybe for a while you don’t speak but then you come back to each other , communicate what was lacking and move forward together or apart . I know for me the older I get the deeper my friendships are . These are not just my friends , this is my family . The people I go to when I’m feeling lost and unmotivated . When I need to vent . The people I go to for safety. For support . And they come to me and are able to do the same thing . They are my home and beacon when life becomes unfamiliar and uncomfortable .Friendships require two or more people in the rink , you can’t fight alone . My friends tap in and they fight for me and with me . As I always have done for them .

The letting go

What I’ve come to understand about people and friendship’s is that you don’t have to accept whatever someone gives you . Whatever love they give you . Your needs aren’t met ? “Well that’s just the way I am “.

“People who love me understand “

True . But that doesn’t mean I have to eat whatever slop someone is giving me on a plate . There are allowances in friendship . It is made up of imperfect people . There may even be things we both lack but one thing about my core friendships is that we speak about it and if it is something we can change we do it .

I’m always very aware of everything around me. It’s a gift and a curse I feel . So a simple shift I feel it . But I always ask what can I do better ?

Most of my friendships are over 10 years . Even my new friendships they contain a lot of depth . Now I’m not saying that every person that comes along we are going to have this deep connection . That doesn’t happen . Sometimes it’s just hey girl let’s go grab coffee or let’s go to the bookstore . But personally for me those are few far in between because of the type of person I am . Everything doesn’t need to be deep but it needs to have substance . When life gets hard as it always does , you’re going to need substance foundation in your friendship because if not , as soon as life life , we ain’t friends no more . I’m not into non substance relationships. I’m good off that . And I think when I see they are that way it’s difficult letting them go because you love them . There was a reason you wanted this friendship and wanted to be there for this person . And then it doesn’t work out . Needs aren’t met, and sadly one or both of the people suffers . But I do try .

My sister told me something deep yesterday . She said the way friendships turn out or the way you may be treated isn’t a direct reflection of who you are . Interestingly in that moment I needed to hear that . As someone who may have lost maybe 3-4 friendships over a span of two years , at this point I’m like it’s me . I’m the problem . Sometimes no one is the problem . Sometimes you are the problem and sometimes they are the problem . Sometimes you grow out of people like jeans that have no stretch and you can’t button them anymore . So instead you buy new ones . Ones that stretch . Room for growth . But sometimes it just doesn’t work out . I’m a person who observes actions more than words . And once I’m able to see how this person shows how they feel about me I move accordingly . With love always . Friendships teach you that you’re human and how your heart can break too .

Me and my friends are now at the ages where we are losing our parents , jobs falling through , new jobs coming through , moving out , moving back or staying where we are . Getting married , having children . Staying single . We are finding our way in the world but on a very serious level . You want dependable and people who genuinely love you for you in your life .

And I’m just so grateful I have that.